Report by Hudson County Free Teens Education Director Linda Haft April, 2007

In my 14 years as a Free Teens healthy relationship educator, I do not like my students to feel uncomfortable and I go out of my way to help them to not feel pressured or embarrassed when I share with them about the benefits of abstinence until marriage as a healthy life style choice.

Recently the topic of "abstinence pledges" have been brought up by students during my presentations. They have asked me to show them how to take one. So, you can imagine my shocked recently, after relaying this experience casually with some adults outside my work who told me they think abstinence pledges are "pushing morality on young people and that is a wrong thing to do to kids". I wish those adults could come with me into the classroom and see for themselves how students respond! These are two experiences I recently had.

#1
I have an awesome story from a senior boy at a local high school in New Jersey. After I gave my introduction, I was asked by a senior if I planned to hand out condoms. I gave my usual response with a smile, "I am going to give you something that works even better!"

On the third day of our 5 day program, the same young man asked, "Are you going to give us abstinence pledges". I was a bit surprised as I do not put a lot of focus on them, and only mention some facts about them at the end of the second day. I asked him if he would like me to bring some and his response was, "Yes! I need one!" At the end of each class that day (I had 6), I informed the students that if they wished to see a pledge and that they would have the option to sign one the next day if they wished. The majority seemed excited and I heard no dissenters. I asked permission from the teachers and they thought it was fine as all students had written permission from their parents to attend my classes and they were used to doing something similar in their DARE program.

That evening I enlarged a copy of one we use at the end of one of our workbooks to 8x11, printed enough for all 200 students in bright lime green and made smaller 2"x3" ones in deep turquoise for those who wished to just take one home to think about it. At the beginning of each class I passed them out to all students explaining that we would read it together as a class and those who wish to sign, could do so but they also needed to find an adult to sign as "mentor". Those who did not wish to sign or were not interested at this time, could just leave them on the desk when they left and at no time should they feel any pressure to do this. I told them that those who wish to think about it or who have friends they know who might be interested can help themselves to the blue wallet sized ones.

The senior who originated this "abstinence pledge" session, was in my first class of the day. After formally doing his pledge by reading it in front of the class he said he had heard about pledges and had wanted to do an abstinence pledge for years but did not know how. He then requested to say something in front of the class. He said, "I do not care what the other students think or will say about me but I want to thank this program for coming to our school." He then went on to tell me, as if we were the only 2 in the room (there were 55 students), that whenever he was focused on his sports, he did not drink or have sex and he felt so great. After each season he would slip into his old ways. He is not a virgin by a long shot but as a secondary virgin he is now highly motivated and extremely sincere. I told him he needed a mentor. He pointed to his three friends (we recommend adults) but after speaking with them I could see he had chosen well. Also these are the friends who can keep a better eye on him than his own parents! He now wants to also work with us to influence younger students to do become pledgers as well!

When I suggested he could read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Josh Harris, and he laughed, saying his sisters had been trying to get him to read it for over a year, and he gladly promised he would. It was all so mature, the way he handled the seriousness of this. I told students that they did not have to sign one, they could just leave it on their desk, or if they want to think about it just put it in their backpack. Out of 200 students that day, I had 8 left on desks. Many came to me asking for blue ones to give their friends. Students were even coming in from other classrooms asking for "the little blue papers"!!

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#2
For 2 weeks in March, I was presenting at one of our Public Schools where I find "typical" urban kids. I saw 2 groups per day of 8th grade students. The Guidance Director contacted me some months ago to come to their school. Some of these students had just recently become a big heartache for teachers and administrators. These are their "accelerated" kids who are in 8th grade but are taking 9th grade courses. The Director informed me just before my first presentation that they had recently made allowances for the students to access MySpace.com on school computers. They soon found that all these kids were talking about hooking up, making out, etc. The staff was shocked and at the same time feeling foolish for having been so naive.

On the first day, I presented our power point presentation on the physical consequences of sex. On the second day, after the "Maturing Your Love" power point, a young man with punk hair asked to speak with me privately. While the others were filling out evaluations I stood off to the side with him. He explained how he liked having girlfriends and how his family is messed up and he has serious anger issues where he blows up easily. You would NEVER guess this sweet-faced boy was going through all this. I spoke a little about thinking about consequences and some other small stuff and encouraged him to see the male school counselor who is very caring.

Well, let me tell you about what happened 2 days later!. I was passing out post surveys and our worksheets and this young man asked to speak "privately" with me again. I was thinking, "Oh no. I am not a counselor. I cannot deal with heavy stuff". He then told me, "Yesterday, I wanted to say one more thing but I had to leave. I want to know more about the pledge you were talking about. I want to do it." I was not planning to do the pledge with this school but that very morning, something told me to make them available, so I brought copies. I gave him one sheet with the pledge on it. After reading it he asked, "May I read this in front of the class?" I was so amazed that he would put himself out there like that. It is not unusual for someone to read it out loud and say "blank" instead of their name when it came to the part that reads," I, _________, have made the decision to abstain from sex until marriage." However, he loudly said the pledge in such a manly way and proudly said his name instead of "blank".

After that, a few girls asked me for my email and for a pledge sheet. Then I saw this huge line forming to speak with me and I panicked, "Oh my gosh do all these kids have problems they want to ask me about ?!"

They ALL wanted pledge sheets! I had a few wallet sized ones but when they saw they could get the 8x11s they all wanted them. The school librarian who was letting me use her room was 100% supportive. I told her the negative responses I had received form adults and asked her, "What should I say when they are asking me to do a pledge? 'No, we might hurt someone's feelings?' " She said "NO way! What you did was right."

Later, the Guidance Director came in and told me that young man had come to his office and asked him to be his "mentor " and the Director gladly signed the sheet. You could see he was so moved by all of this. What was a little bit of a strange (but good) feeling was that I was not manipulating or "doing" any of this. I was only a vehicle to provide them with what they were yearning for.

Linda Haft, 4/10/07